Saturday, May 8, 2010


1. You can’t jump off the stage into the crowd.
Jumping off the stage into the crowd might be good way to wrap up your set in yankee, it is not quite advisable over here. If you decide to jump off the stage in naija, two things will most likely happen.

-The crowd step aside and you land on the hard floor, you might break a few appendages or worst case scenario, you end up in a wheel chair (this will end your career unless you have plans to switch to aiyefele’s type of music).

-The crowd grabs you in mid air, fleece you of all you have on and throw you back on the stage butt naked (this will most likely happen to a rich upcoming artist).

2. You can’t throw your jewelry into the crowd.
You will most likely hurt someone with your cheap jewelry and trust Nigerians, they will retaliate by stoning you with your chain and whatever they can lay their hands on which might include bottles, stones, knives and anything that will cause you unbearable pain. Nobody really wants your 1500 naira bling bling.

3. You can’t bone groupies backstage.
Groupies are part of the game and any famous artist will attest to that. I know it is cool to have them backstage and in between your set but in naija the case is different because backstage is always crowded and there is no privacy. Do I need to remind you that you don’t have a tour bus (more like you can’t afford one). Boning a groupie backstage in Nigeria will get you on youtube so fast, it will be unbelievable.

4. You can’t smash the mic on the floor after your performance.
In most shows in Nigeria, there is only one working microphone and smashing it on the floor will not only put an end to your set but to everyone’s set. So unless you come with your own microphone, be prepared to perform a David blaine trick by manufacturing a mic out of thin air or you stand the risk of getting mobbed by the organizers and the rampaging crowd.

5. You can’t make it rain.
Apart from the CBN directive about spraying money, you are supposed to be broke as a Nigerian artist. You barely have enough for yourself, so where will you get money from to throw around. The EFCC picking you up is the best thing that can happen to you because your act of philanthropy will not excite the crowd but make you a target. Expect to get robbed and probably killed after the show. Please don’t try this in Warri, Benin, Lagos & Port Harcourt.

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